Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
