He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
