What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
