Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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