just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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