Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
