i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
