We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
