I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
