you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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