the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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