If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
