i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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