wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
