So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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