I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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