I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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