Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
