I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
