I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
