I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
