i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
