What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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