Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
