Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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