Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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