I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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