So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
