It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
