Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
