sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
