i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
