the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
