True but thats because hes a fetus.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
