Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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