I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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