I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
