So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
