"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
