i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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