ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
