1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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