What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
