oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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