pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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