I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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