I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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