you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
