Your mouth is God's brothel.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
