We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
