Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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